Desecration
by Bonnie Parker
Summary: Spoilers for "The Gift." Spike and Angel find a way to save Buffy, as the lines between good and evil blur into one. Meanwhile, Giles deals with custody battles for Dawn. S/B. Please R&R!!
1. Becoming

Desecration

Desecration

~~~~

Timeframe: After conclusion of Season 5 of Buff the Vampire Slayer and season 2 of Angel (WARNING: Major spoilers)

~~~~

Angel stepped back, staring at Willow from where he stood. "It's Buffy."

Willow pushed her red hair behind the ears on her now-pale face. "Yeah." Her voice was breaking, and she left it that simple.

Angel reacted with flaming panic after just staring straight into Willow's cold eyes for a couple of seconds. "Is she hurt?"

Willow turned her back to Angel and curled up against the couch. "Worse."

Angel flamed with anger, sadness, and despair all at the same time. His eyes turned a cold red, and he turned around, clashed his arm into naked air, and all the window's in the room smashed into a million tiny pieces.

Angel left the room. Cordelia, Wesley, and Willow and sat, crying in silence. No one had anything to say.

~~~~

His black boots left indents in the mud as Spike walked through the rainy graveyard towards the most recently buried corpse, that of Buffy Summers. He laid down a single red rose at the foot of her grave. "You were one in a million, Buffy." Spike scratched his head. "Not me. Nope, I'm just like every other bloody sucker out there who had a second to know you but never got to hold you." Spike wiped a tear from his eye. "Look at that, Slayer. You made me cry. Spike, the big, heartless, monster is crying over you." On the last few words, his voice cracked slightly and he cryed a few more tears. "Why'd you do it? How'd you even bloody know it'd save the rest of our sorry assess?"

Spike bent down towards the edge of her lonesome grave. "Your mates were by during the day, were they?" He glanced around. "Am I the only one who brought a flower? Look at this, I'm pretending you're going to answer me."

Spike raised his head with a sudden gist of confidence, "I'll bring you back. I will."

He stood up and walked off. Sun would be rising soon, and he research to do.

~~~~

Spike wondered around the magic shop when he ran into Anya and Giles in the back room going over backorders. "Nice to know some people get over loss quickly and jump right back into their daily lives."

Giles looked up with anger at Spike, who wasn't welcome at the moment. "We haven't gotten over it. We have work to do – We can't get behind. Buffy wouldn't have wanted that."

"No? Than you tell me, oh, enlightened one, what would the slayer have wanted?" Spike grunted.

"Bloody shut up! You're not welcome here, Spike." Giles warned.

"Oh, I'm not, huh?" Spike's already-pale skin had faded to a color that was as white as snow. "Do you think, honestly, I'm not in as much, if not more pain than the rest of you? Do you bloody hell think I'm just pretending to care? Buffy was the only one of any of you who didn't treat me like an animal. You all still have each other, but I've got no one now. Alright, so before you start telling me I'm not hurt by this little series of events, you'd better fuckin' well remember that."

Spike slammed the door behind him as he left the back room. "I'm not welcome, I'm not hanging round."

~~~~

Angel stormed through the doors of the Magic Shop, and headed into the back room, where he knew he'd find at least one of the gang. 

"Angel." Anya was surprised. "What are you doing here?"

Angel shook and shifted his feet across the floor and walked over to where Giles stood. "Where's her grave?"

"Willow told you, then." Giles held back his tears. "It's right next to her mothers."

"To the right." Anya added, teary eyed.

Angel was shakey, and his voice was worse still, but he still said what he had come to ask. "I want to try to get custody of Dawn."

Giles and Anya looked at each for a few seconds, and they muterally agreed Giles should be the one to say it. "Angel, it's not that easy to custody if you're going to be a single parent"

Anya perked up, "Xander and I got engaged. If we get married soon we could adopt her-"

"Bad idea." Angel finished. "You guys don't want the happiest day of your life so close to yesterday." A tear came down his cheek, but he whipped it away as soon as he could. "Besides, you don't want the responsibility of a kid yet."

Anya knew he was right, and she didn't want to bring it up to Xander – He'd like the idea too much. Dawn was like _his_ little sister to him.

There was a knock on the door and Angel turned with reflex towards the door and opened it.

It was Spike, and he held a very thin, paperback book in his hands. It was different than the other books around the Magic Shop. "Thank God you're here, Angel, I need your help."

"My help? What the hell for?" Angel wasn't in the mood to have anything to do with Spike, he was too busy dealing with his own mix of emotions.

Spike flipped through the pages and pointed to the top paragraph on one of the pages. "It's right here, in this book. It's typed clearly on page 43. We can turn her, Angel. We can bring Buff back as a vampire."

Spike was toying with Angel. He knew it. "She's already dead."

"It takes two male vampires. If she still has blood in her body, one of us drains the right, the other the left, and it will bring her back. It'll turn her." Spike explained, almost quoting the book.

"Vampires don't have souls." Anya protested plainly. 

"Angel does." Spike pointed out. "I don't. I'm getting along just fine."

Angel was ready to strangle Spike for toying with his emotions like that. "You have a chip. Buffy doesn't. I was cursed. Buffy wasn't."

Spike wasn't crying anymore. "Someone cursed you. Someone still has that power. Will does. I know she could – You've seen how strong her magic is. She went inside Buffy's head, Angel. She pained Glory. She's not a little girl anymore."

"Buffy never wanted to be a vampire. And what if we can't give her her soul back, huh? What then?" Angel flamed.

Spike scratched his forehead. "I have to do this, and I can't do it alone, Angel."

"Why do you even care?"

"How could everybody keeps bloody asking me that? Why is everyone so surprised I care? Fuck, I can't take it." Spike's arm lashed out and knocked Angel across the head.

Spike pulled his arm back towards himself and wrapped his other hand around his pale white wrist. "Bloody Hell!" He hollered as he opened and closed a fist, staring at his hand. "It's coming back."

Anya looked up for a moment from her own private tears. "What is?"

"The demon. The Vampire part of me. The instinct. Kill. Kill. Murder. Blood. It's all coming back." Spike stared at his bloody hand and the mark he'd landed on Angel's immortal head. "It's bloody coming back. I can feel it — It's starting. We have to get Buffy back."

"Let go oh her, Spike. She's really gone." Anya tried to comfort, but a part of her wanted to see Buff again too, even as a vampire.

"No — with that aside. Slayer shared her soul with me — without her, I'll fall back into real darkness."


	2. Survival

Desecration

Desecration

~~~~

There was a light knock on Dawn's door. Dawn ignored the sound, and stacked three small books into a box marked "DAWN" in big green letters. She lifted up a framed picture of Buffy and herself playing on the beach about 10 years before.

"Dawn?" It was Xander.

Dawn didn't respond. Instead, she tossed the picture she'd lifted and put it in the box on top of the books.

"Dawn?" Xander opened Dawn's door and let himself into her room.

Dawn turned away in a pout. "I don't want to talk right now."

Xander glanced to the floor but looked back up at Dawn, staring straight into the back of her dark hair. "We have to talk about this eventually, Dawn."

Dawn didn't answer. Xander could hear her sniffle a little bit.

"Dawn, you're packing boxes. You're packing boxes because you're going to pick up and leave. You're going to a foster home 43 miles away from here."

Dawn took a deep breath. "I know that." She turned around and walked towards Xander, giving him a big hug. Sniffling and crying, Dawn mumbled the words "Goodbye. I've been saying that a lot lately."

~~~~

Angel shook his head, trying to resist from crying so much he couldn't talk. "I can't do that. I just can't make Buffy one of one of _us_."

Spike was still crying. "I haven't stopped. Crying, I mean. I haven't cried in over 80 years. And now I haven't stopped in over 24 hours."

Giles couldn't take it anymore. He interrupted, "Buffy is _not_ going to be a vampire."

"No. I I can't let her go." Angel jumped back in. "Buffy dying? It's just — just something I can't deal with. Spike" Angel stopped for a minute, but had already figured it out. "Spike's right." He glared at Spike. Didn't want to work with him. Second last thing in the world Angel wanted now — but it would prevent the last

"We've got to fuckin' hurry." Spike added, picking up the little book again.

Anya was still fixed on what Spike had said earlier. "I still don't get it. What's coming back?"

Spike didn't want to explain, but tossed the book to Angel. "Read up, pretty boy. Let me put as simple as I can, so maybe you **won't ask again.**" Spike was frustrated, but couldn't let it back. Kill. No. Can't let it back in.

Spike shook his head to the left and back to the right. "I'm evil. That much I'm pretty sure you've already figured out. Thing it — it was fixing itself. Slowly, but it was Buffy was. She was physically sharing her soul with me. Buffy offered her soul to me, whether she and I knew it or not."

Giles took off his glasses and glanced towards Anya. "Wanna admit it or not — what he's saying makes sense. Spike risked his life as much as the rest of us. Can't do that without a soul and he doesn't have one of his own."

"This won't get you down her pants, you know." Angel snorted.

Spike glanced back directly at Angel and almost laughed. "I know that. It's always been you to her, Angel. But would you mind telling me where the fuck you've been whenever Slayer needed someone? Gone. Off in L.A. I've always been here. But still, it's you she loves. What about Riley? Yeah, what about that other guy? Oh, that's right, he was gettin' it on with a vampire ho or two."

Angel couldn't help but smile the tiniest bit, even if only to cover the tears. "Always me, huh?"

Giles was starting to agree, but didn't want to show it too much. "You know, Angel with Buffy back as a" He skipped a word because he couldn't bare to say it, "You two would have a chance."

Angel stopped the tears a smiled for a moment. "Come on, Spike, We're got a body to dig up. I'm not ready to let her go."

~~~~

Willow tried to focus on the road. She squinted her eyes in attempt to see the cold, dark, rainy street through her teary eyes.

She flipped on the radio and flipped through the different stations. When she heard sad songs on about every station, she slammed the radio off button.

"Bitch." She muttered, not sure if she was talking to the radio, Glory, or maybe even Buffy. 

Willow kept driving into the cold night, trying as hard as she could to see the road.

~~~~

"The second we turn Buffy, I'm going to go back completely." Spike concluded after reading the little book on turning someone who was already dead. "Buffy won't have a soul. We have to knock her out and get her Will. I can't. If Buffy shares her soul with me — her soul's not totally gone yet. It will be once we turn her. Someone mind telling me what we're fuckin' gonna do?"

"We've got to find out if Willow can do this before we bring Buff back." Angel added, "And you have to chain yourself to the wall -"

"No fucking way." Spike insisted.

Angel ignored the comment, and went on with his plan. "You'll chain yourself to a wall in your crypt. We'll turn her there. You'll stay there until Willow casts her spell."

Spike pouted a little, but didn't protest again. "Did Will come back with you?"

Angel's eyes drifted to the ground. "No. I didn't take the news too well and left on my own. She'll be back."

At that very word, the backroom door opened and it was Willow.

"Angel!" She was surprised.

"Yeah, Will, we need your help." Spike went straight to the point. "You have power. We need it to save Buffy."

"Save Buffy? I can't -" Willow started.

"We don't need you to bring her back." Angel explained. "We've got that covered." He stopped for a minute and stared into Willow's wondering eyes. "We found a way to turn her. You have to return her soul to her the same way the gypsies did to me."

Willow looked confused for a second, and then concerned the next. "I'd like to but I'm not sure if I can."

Angel got a worried look on his face. "You can. You have to able to."

"I might be able to. There's a way, obviously someone did it for you, Tara might know something." Willow suggested.

Spike shook his head. "We can't live on a maybe, Will. If you can't do it, we'll find someone who can. Someone more powerful than you." He teased on those last words, hoping to spark something. "I'm sure there's gypsies around willing to cast a little spell if I threaten them enough."

"I can do it." Willow insisted, suddenly confident.

Spike's face softened from the mocking look he'd been giving Willow. "I want one too."


	3. Torment

Desecration

Desecration

~~~~

Willow sat in a meditational form, breathing deeply, chanting something in Hebrew.

"What's she saying?" Anya asked.

"She's cursing you." Spike answered, not actually expecting her to believe it.

"She's doing _what_?" Anya responded.

Spike just rolled his eyes and let Willow concentrate on her spell. She hadn't even mentioned what the hell she was doing.

Willow suddenly stopped and her face went blank. Her eyes were shut and she didn't move. "Will?" Spike groaned. He glanced around with concern for a moment. "Is that supposed to happen?"

Giles looked even more concerned, but pretended not to be. "Willow knows what she's doing."

As soon as Giles said that last word, Willow's eyes popped open and she breathed out. "Buffy's not dead."

"Come again, love?" Spike grumbled, not believing it.

"She _is_ dead. Here, at least. She exists in another dimension. The one she dove into. You're losing the shared' soul because she's so far away." Willow explained.

Angel was tense. He felt cold icy shots up through his veins. "Did you see her?"

"Kind of yeah." Willow answered.

"Is she ok?" He demanded.

Willow felt her stomach turn. "Not really."

Spike's glance darted up from picking at his fading black nail polish to straight at Willow. "What the fuck does that mean?"

Willow swallowed hard and tried to make saying the words as easy as she could. Just thinking it was bringing her to tears again. "The place she's in isn't a happy place. They aren't very welcoming of Buffy they wanted the gateway open. She stopped it. Buffy is trapped in eternal torment."

Angel acted like he'd already known it before Willow even opened her mouth. "You've got to be able to stop it."

"There's a way. I can make her_ really _dead. But it's dangerous and takes two witches. Tara will help Then you guys can turn her" Willow was crying. Everyone knew it was harder and far more dangerous than she'd say.

"Hurry." Spike moaned. "What What are they doing to her?"

"Fire. They're using fire. It's a lot like the hell the Bible describes." Willow answered, almost instinctively.

"Sick fucks." Spike slammed his fist into the wall as hard as his immortal hand could.

"Fix this." Angel commanded.

Willow blinked. "We'll try. But it's dangerous. Tara and I might not make it back alive"

"For your sake I hope you bloody aren't having second thoughts." Spike threatened. "Slayer isn't just dead. We're talking eternal torment here. You die, Will, that's peaceful. Your best friend is hurting forever!"

"We'll do it." Willow confirmed, speaking for herself as well as Tara. "Angel, can you go get Tara?"

"Sun's rising soon." Angel answered. "I'll go tell her to head over here. I might not make it back with her." He left the room without objecting.

A minute after Angel had left, Willow brought it up. "Spike I couldn't say this Angel around Buffy was calling your name."

Spike almost laughed. "She must have been calling for all of us, Will."

Willow shook her head. "No, Spike She was calling for you. Over, and over, and over."

~~~~

"Angel!" Tara exclaimed with surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Willow needs - We all need your help. For Buffy." Angel explained flatly. "Willow says it's dangerous."

Tara hesitated for a second, but looked up with a weak smile. "Whatever it takes."

"Sun's rising. I can't go with you. Willow's at the magic shop and she needs you. Can you go?"

"Yeah." You could see it on her face – Tara didn't want to do anything dangerous. Either that, or she knew whatever Willow was planning was too advanced for her.

Tara left Angel in her dorm as she left to meet up with Willow at the Magic Shop. Angel shut the shades.

~~~~

Tara entered the backroom of the magic shop, where she had been directed by Giles and Anya, who had just opened shop. She found Spike and Willow sitting in total silence.

Tara stopped herself. "What's he doing here?"

Willow just looked up at Tara and pleaded with her eyes. "Please, hon, not now?"

Tara pushed her hair behind her eyes, but didn't say anything more. She didn't want to upset Willow anymore than she already had – not to mention Spike was looking pretty scary.

"So, can you guys do it?" Spike stumbled over the words.

"What exactly _are_ we doing?" Tara asked.

"Buffy's alive in another dimension." Willow explained. "We've got to get there and kill her. She's in torment there, and if we kill her there, she'll really be dead. Then Spike and Angel are going to turn Buffy. I'll give her back her soul."

"Don't forget mine." Spike added.

Willow smiled up at Tara. "Spike wants one too."

Tara looked surprised, but didn't comment about Spike. Instead, she focused on the spell. "Do you know how to do that, Willow?"

Willow nodded. "I found it online. We don't actually need to transport out bodies –We have to do what I did when Buffy was trapped in Catatonia. "

Tara looked embarrassed. "I don't know how to do that."

"You just have to focus your entire spiritual soul on the person who's mind you want to enter. It's not that hard." Willow said bluntly.

"Not that hard? Willow, what's happening to you?' The conversation was starting again. Willow knew it – and wasn't going to go there again,

"Nothing. Anyway, we've got to do this now. Buffy's burning. Literally." She begged. "You can do this, Tara. They make it look hard because it can be misused really easily – but it's not that hard. C'mon."

Tara nodded, and sat down next to Willow at the table she sat at.

Willow tore open a box sitting near her feet, and yanked out a candle. She lit it without even chanting anything. It just _egnited._

Willow took Tara's hands in hers and the two of them stayed completely silent, hopefully focusing on getting into Buffy's half-dead head.
Spike watched silently as he saw the hysteria of both their faces, but neither said anything or made any major movements.
After only a mere two minutes, Willow and Tara both opened their eyes.
"I can't believe I did that." Tara panicked.
"What happened?" Spike pleaded with Tara and Willow to tell him something anything about how things had gone. "I keep bloody seeing her – over and over. I keep bloody watching her scream. I keep watching her -"
Willow interrupted. "We did it errr Tara did it."
"Did what?" Spike insisted. "You killed her?"
Tara mumbled back, "Yeah."
"You're totally sure there wasn't a way to drag _that_ her back over here?" He demanded, almost angry that they'd been successful.
Willow nodded. "This was the only way Shouldn't you be happy? Her torment is over! Ok?"
Spike shook his head around a little bit. "She's gone. So is her soul. Almost. Sorry."
Willow understood that time, and almost apologized, but realized it _was_ Spike who should say he was sorry. And he had. "You and Angel have to have to do it tonight. You're gonna have to dig up her body."
Spike twitched a little. "I know. We'll go as soon as the sun goes down."
Willow laughed a little. "You're stuck here until it does, huh?"
Spike rolled his eyes. "I guess so." 
    ~~~~
Dawn set her bag down next to where she stood as the man she didn't even know rang the doorbell to the small house out in _hicksville, USA _as far as Dawn was concerned.
An older woman, maybe 55 or 60 opened the door and smiled when she saw Dawn. "And you must be little Dawn! Come in! Come in! You're going to love it here, Honey."
"I have a feeling I'm not." She answered, as she stepped through the door. 
She looked around, only to find paintings of ballerinas and teddy bears mixed in with vases on every table. "Interesting house." She mocked.
    ~~~~
The sun had just set, and finally Spike emerged from the backroom and walked out into the main area of the store.
Angel was standing right there, already prepared to do what they both knew they had to do. As much as they didn't want to work together, there they were standing side by side.
Xander was also there, and was the first to say anything. "I'm going with you guys so we don't have any dogfights. Now, let me explain the rules-"
"Now fucking isn't the time." Spike snapped back. "Your jokes are lame even when it _is_ the time anyway."
"Don't mind him, He doesn't have a soul." Angel teased, but his pace changed. "We should go."
"Good luck to all!" Anya cheered on, but no one answered. They were too busy leaving to save the one who'd saved them so many times.
~~~~
    Spike jammed a rusted shovel into the dirt in front of the grave that read "Buffy Anne Summers – 1981-2001 – She saved the world alot." and pulled out a chunk of dirt.
Angel started digging near the middle of the grave, and Xander the furthest from the headstone.
Suddenly, after less than a few minutes, a flashlight glared in the eyes of the three gravediggers. 
A voice broke the silence as well as the darkness, "What kind of sick fucked up perverts are you boys? Digging up a dead body?" The unknown voice was soon coming from a 20-something male police officer walking towards them. "You guys are under arrest."


	4. Strike Me Down

Welcome to Adobe GoLive 4 Desecration 

~~~~

The man pulled out a set of handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silence. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of law."

Spike couldn't believe the looks on Angel and Xander's faces. They were about to take this shit. Knowing he was the only one who'd do it, Spike wrapped his cold pale hand around the officer's neck, "Yeah, well, use this against me: You have no bloody idea who you're messing with."

Angel Hesitated, "Spike, don't."

"Why the hell not? Little fucker thinks he's so smart."

"Spike, don't make this worse." Xander jumped it.

Spike released the skrawny man's neck. "Well then what are we bloody well supposed to do? It's not like he's going to leave us gravediggers alone."

"Gravediggers?" Angel asked. "Nah, we were planting flowers... at night... with no flowers around..."

"I think he's buying it." Xander mocked.

"What the hell do you need night watchmen for anyway?" Spike asked the man who just kept looking smaller and weaker to him. "And what's your name?"

Angel mouthed the words "His name?" at Xander, without letting Spike see he was questioning his messed up brain.

Xander just shrugged.

"To protect the dead from people like... you." The man choked, "I'm Felix Charleston."

Spike couldn't help but laugh, "Felix? Well, Flixy, we have a little predicament here. See, you're walked in on something that's an untouchable subject in most people lives. See, to you, We're a susperstition."

"Huh?" Felix stared straight at Spike, trying not to look afraid.

Spike laughed again, and changed his tatics. "Alright Felix boy, you see that grave? Right there?" Spike pointed the half-dug-up grave. "Do you have any idea who's burried there?"

"Jerry Springer?" Felix made a sorry attempt at a joke.

"Funny. Now, you're a straight man, right Felix?"

"Yeah." Felix replied. Spike could see the fear in his eyes. He could also see the gun in his belt he hadn't even reached for.

Angel and Xander were both quiet, waiting to see what Spike had to say.

"Her name is Buffy. Buffy Anne Summers. She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world." Spike was crying again.

Felix rolled his eyes. "Look, this happens to a lot of people. It'll get easier in time. You guys go home right now, I'll fix this up and we'll pretend it never happened, ok?"

Spike laughed a little through his tears. "I think you've misunderstood, little Felix. I spoke in present tense. It's going to _be past tense_ if we don't get her back tonight."

Felix loooked a little disturbed, and felt pity for the three crazy men digged up one of their girlfriends, or whores, or whatever she was to them. "She's dead, man. Get over it."

Spike grabbed Felix's right hand and pulled it towards the left side of his chest. Felix didn't say anyting, just lightly touched the black cotton that made up Spike's tank. "So am I. I think I turned out alright, don't you?."

"Your heart isn't beating..." Felix gasped, and pulled his arm back and started to shake it around.

"Yeah, well, that was the point." Spike rolled his eyes.

Felix finally drew his gun and pointed it right straight at Spike.

"C'mon. I dare you. Just pull the trigger, fucking coward." Spike jeered.

Felix shoot two bullots straight into Spike's right shoulder.

"Bloody Hell!" Spike screamed in pain for just a second, but looked up with his trademark smile. "Hurts. But if I'm not breathing, you don't really think that will kill me, now do you?"

"You're scared." Angel butted into the conversation that had become deeply about just Spike and Felix. "There's no reason not to be. We just _told_ you that we're dead."

Xander raised his hand and prepared for what looked like another cheesy joke, "I, for one, am alive."

"They just keep gettin' worse and worse, Xan. We'll work on that when we get back to the magic shop, ok?" Spike matted.

Spike's mind suddendly darted back to the reason they were all there. "Now, Felix jr, if you're bloody going to be trying to stop us from doing this, It'll be you in that grave."

Felix still had his gun in hand. "You," He shot Xander a look. "You said you're... alive?"

Xander nodded.

Felix cocked his gun and shoot a bullet into Xander's side before anyone could stop him.

"Mother fucking-" Spike started, but just tightened his clamp on his shovel and rammed into straight at Felix's head. "You're going to die tonight. I suggest you prey."

Unaware of what Angel and Xander were doing, Spike hit Felix again over the head with the shovel that was covered in red blood by then. Spike stared into the poor man's eyes, and felt pity only for a 100th of a second, but banished it away. "I want you to remember you fired first."

Spike raised the shovel and took his finishing blow, litterally smashed Felix's head into tiny pieces of nothing.

"Call 911." Angel called to Spike. "This doesn't look so good."

Angel took Xander by the shoulder and helped him to sit next to the grave.

Spike shook his head. "Can't. First of all, I'm up for muder one, and second of all, It's pretty obvious we've been digging at this grave. We have to do this tonight. Can't from the hospital."

Angel's eyes narrowed. "So what, you're saying we should just take the risk that maybe Xander's gonna _die_?" Angel hadn't meant to use to word. Xander was hurt, not deaf.

Spike pulled out a cel phone. _Since when does he carry a phone?_

"Will, you gotta get out here. To the graveyard. Hurry. Bring whatever candle shit you need to heal someone, ok?" Spike hung up after what could have only been time enough for Willow to have gotten out five or six words.

"Will's coming." He confirmed to the Angel and Xander, who looked suddenly twice as pale as Spike.

Spike tried not to look concerned, and twitched back sereval times before he said anything. The silence was killing him. "Are you... ok?"

Xander took five hard, deep, breathes before answering. "I... think."

Spike didn't say anything more, but Angel and Xander both knew whether he admited it or not, he was was feeling guilty. Angel was busy tied something around the mark.

It was silent until Willow arrived. It was an awkward situation for Spike, and Angel and Xander knew that. He _cared, _felt bad beyond thinking of Xander as Buffy's friend and not wanted to hurt Buffy. But as thinking of Xander as Xander and not wanted to hurt Xander. And of Angel as Angel, and not wanted to hurt Angel. Thinking of people as people, and _not_ wanted to hurt people. They'd thought it was leaving - that side of it - but it was stronger than it had ever been just minutes after he'd shattered a man's head open. Spike thought it was leaving - and he was confused. They could both see it on the expression on his face.

Just after Willow arrived, she opened a package of something sparkly, like gliter, and scattered it onto Xander.

She chanted what sounded like a haiku in Japanese, or Chinese, or maybe German, but no one really cared. Point is the wound healed almost instantly.

It hit Spike for the first time then, as Xander started regaining his strength. "Luv, if you have that kind of power, how come you didn't heal Giles back when the apcolypse was nearing?" 


	5. Blood Lust

Blood Lust Desecration 

~~~~

Willow looked as if she was going to stutter, but her answer was crystal clear, "I didn't have the Skyrain."

When she got only confused looks, she explained, "The glitter stuff."

Xander and Angel accepted that. Spike didn't. He didn't say anything - but something still seemed out of place.

Instead, Spike focused back to the original plan. "Let's get this shit done."

Willow shifted for a second, and announced, "I can't do it."

"Say what?" Xander questioned.

She shook her head. "There's a way. I know there is, but I can't do it. I can't find it. It's not a very popular spell if you know what I mean."

Spike's fist hit hard into the surface of a random gravestone with awesome force, and actually dented the stone. "Well if there's a way there's got to be a way to figure it out! We're bloody running out of time! We have to do this now."

"Gypsies. They did it for me, they can do it. Or at least they could, 100 years ago." Angel suggested.

"Well where the hell do we find gypsies in Sunnydale?" Spike blasted.

"Ireland." He answered. "We turn Buffy tonight, take her to Ireland, and find some."

"Fine plan, really. With that bright sun shining through the airplane windows and Buffy, oh, not to mention me, both thirsty for some serious trashing." Spike mocked the plan.

"You got a better idea?" Angel was sort of angry, but not at Spike, at Willow. She'd said she could do it.

All of a sudden, Willow burst out, "All right, we ready to get started?"

Angel rose an eyebrow. "With what?"

Willow had that 'duh' look on her face. "To get to whole soul-giving thing. I have all the stuff I need."

Spike jerked his head back. "Luv, I thought you just said you didn't know how to do that?"

Willow looked confused. "Huh? When?"

Spike, Angel, and Xander shot each other worried looks.

"Just like, 5 seconds ago." Xander took the words right from Angel and Spike's mouths.

Willow was strong with her words. "No. I didn't." She left it at that, and changed topics. "Like you guys said, let's hurry."

"What about the whole true happiness curse thing?" It took Spike a second to figure out he'd been the one to ask it.

Willow blinked. "You mean, will it be there? I honestly don't know. I'm not... cursing, like what happened to Angel. I'm _healing._ So it _shouldn't_ be there, but be careful, k?"

Spike nodded.

And with that, the two vampires, the witch, and the normal man mixed up in all of this since high school started digging at Buffy's grave again.

Nearly an hour passed before they hit the casket. It took about another ten minutes to dig around it, and they had it out before 2 am.

Xander was the one to open it. All four of them freaked at seeing the body of the girl they all loved so much - and without saying anything, all of them were crying.

Spike was the first to wipe his tears. "She'll be back soon. No reason to cry."

Without even having to argue, Willow was the the one who picked up the body and turned and started to carry it toward's Spike's Cyrpt.

The others followed. No one said a word.

~~~~

It was around 2:30 in the AM, but Giles was surfing the net in search of infomation about adoption and how to go about it. Angel wanted to adopt Dawn, but Giles knew he couldn't. He had only one solution - He was going to do it himself. The idea still seemed weird - becoming Dawn's father.

It felt almost like he was betraying Buffy, but he didn't know quite why. He knew even if the guys brought her back that night, Buffy couldn't let the government have tabs on her.

Especially since they had a certificate that said she was dead.

~~~~

Spike unlocked the same chains he'd chained Buffy in the first time he'd told her he loved her. He shivered at the memory.

He shivered to think about Dru. The fact that she was still there... somewhere. Watching. She always was. He still loved her, and he knew it. That's why he hated her all the more.

It was creepy to hand the key to Xander and clamp the chains down on his own wrists, but he did it anyway.

Angel stood next to Spike, and Willow was still holding Buffy's soon-to-be-risen-again body. Xander set the key down on a table across the room, as far from Spike as he could. He took Buffy's cold body from Willow, and stood in front of Spike and Angel. All of this was done in complete silence.

"I need to set up." Willow commented.

So she did. She lit two candles. One black, and one white. Between them, she set a metal pentacle. Apparently, it seemed like that was all she needed. Instead, she pulled out a package of more Skyrain and dusted it onto Buffy.

Xander was wondering why she'd never used the stuff once before and suddenly needed it for two spells in a row. The thought was dismessed from his brain as soon as he noticed Spike and Angel had transformed.

"Ready?" Came from Spike's mouth, directed at both Willow and Angel. Maybe even Xander.

Willow and Angel nodded, and that was enough for him.

Angel and Spike sank their teeth into Buffy's bare neck, Spike at the left, and Angel at the right.

After less than three second, Buffy's head jerked up. Her face was covered in panic.

Angel stopped for a second and whispered for a second in her ear, "Bite us. Both of us."

Buffy wanted to scream. Scream something. Scream questions, scream answers, and just flat out scream. Instead, she did exactally what Angel had asked. She had no idea what he was thinking, let alone why she was listening. All she knew was that something really weird had happened - and something even weirder was happening right now. Still, she found herself handing off her sould, becuase Angel had just asked her to.

Willow chanted,

_**"Darkness isn't welcome here,**_ _**It shalln't be near,**_ _**Return to her,**_ _**her very soul."**_

Xander was still holding Buffy in his arms, and she never even had a change to get enouph stregth to actually live the evil. She never actually caused any harm. And Xander's way of showing relief was that he simply laughed. Willow even managed to smile.

Buffy, however, was holding her forehead and asking Xander to set her down. He did.

"What the hell just happened?" She let out as soon as she could see straight.

"Welcome to the darkness, luv." Spike smirked. Suddenly he perked up towards Willow, "Hey, what about mine, pet?"

"Sorry. Can't." Willow caught herself saying. "You don't need one. You're the one who called me about Xander. Buffy was dead. You don't need a soul. You're just _you._"

Spike wrinkled his nose and pouted at that. Although, this whole thing had been done faster than he time to tell if he really did feel the blood lust come back or not. "Alright then, how about we opt for unlocking these chains now?"

Buffy was still in a daze. "Tara killed me. I was - on fire. Tara stopped it. I was crying. I was hungry. I was... little."

Xander was too busy unlocking Spike's chains to make another wise crack. Otherwise you could bet he would.

"Little?" Willow asked, a little confused.

"I was... tiny. Baby tiny. I couldn't talk... but I was hungry. I cried. I think... I think I was reincarnated. I think now... that baby is dead." Buffy messaged her nack on both sides for a second before anyone said anything.

"Are you saying you were born again and we killed of_ that_ you by bringing you back?" Angel tried to understand what Buffy was saying.

She nodded. "Uh-huh. But when I was crying... I didn't know anything about Buffy. I was just a little baby in a crib. Not a rebirth, it was a reincarnation. I don't know..." She skipped a beat. "Am I a vampire right now?"

Angel was a little hesitant, they all were, but was the first to answer. He put it as gentle as he could, "yes."

Buffy got a disgusted look on her face and sat down. "Gross."

"Hey, I take that offensivily, pet." Spike screetched.

"I just got a taste for blood. I'm _longing to drink blood._"


	6. Think it Over

Think it Over Desecration 

~~~~

"I have some in the fridge." Spike suggested.

"It's disgusting!" She shouted. "But... yeah, get me some."

As Spike was getting her the blood, she was still in basic denial over all of this. "How come I'm a vampire?"

"Becuase we turned you." Angel answered. "It took both of us but it's possiable to bring back someone who's already dead."

"Alright, and how come I'm not sucking Willow and Xander's brains out right now?" Buffy was still confused. She wasn't sure if she should be glad to be back, or mad that she'd become a vampire without her own consent.

"I gave you your soul back." Willow bragged. "I can do that, you know."

"I can never watch the sun raise again? And now I have to drink _blood_?" Buffy complained.

"I got over it." Angel and Spike both said the same words at the same time. It should have been funny, but no one was laughing.

"Sorry." Buffy suddenly said, as Spike handed a mug filled with blood. To her own surprise, she drank it right away. "Sorry. I guess I should say thank you. Not get mad, you know. I mean, you fixed it. We saved the world, and no one died, right? "

"Someone's baby might have." Angel brought it up again. "If you really had been reincarnated - someone lost their baby."

Buffy barely reacted much to that, exept for a little sigh. "Maybe that baby is still alive. It's just someone else. Another soul. We can't really know - I mean, I'm not sure who I was. I could have been black, white... asian. I could have been a boy."

Angel noticed it was almost time for the sun to rise. "It's going to be morning soon. Xander, mind if I crash at your place?" He couldn't ask Buffy, it would be too weird. He couldn't ask Spike, they weren't exactally pals. He couldn't ask Willow, chances were she and Tara wanted to be alone. Then again, Xander and Anya probably wanted the same thing. Actually, since it was daytime, probably they wouldn't even be around. Besides, he had to go somwhere.

"Sure." Xander answered as soon as he had time to register what he'd been asked.

Xander and Angel left right away.

Willow did the same after giving Buffy a big hug. "I'll really glad you're back."

"Me too, I guess. I never wanted this." She actually laughed, "The Vampire Slayer becoming a vampire. Kind of ironic, huh?"

"It'll get easier." Spike tried to comfort her, but saw it her eyes she doubted his words.

Willow left, and Spike and Buffy were alone.

"What happened to Dawn? To my house?" She found herself asking, finally.

He gave her flat out answers. "Dawn's with a foster family. Giles is looking into adoption. They sold your house and put the money into an account for Dawn when she's 18."

Buffy shock a little bit. "So wear am I supposed to live?"

"You could stay here."

Buffy gave him a disgusted look, and he rushed to fix how that sentance had come out. "I mean, you could stay up here. I'll be _downstairs_."

"You sure?" Buffy asked.

"Of course I am, luv. Make yourself at home." He almost didn't say it, but added, "There's blood in the fridge... you know, if you want it."

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me the whole story. How'd I get back here - as a... a _vampire_?" She choked on the last word. It hurt to say.

"Whole story, huh? There was lot of crying, stuff like that." He started, but didn't know where he was going with that. "The funneral was night. I... I wanted to be there. Willow went and got Angel - but the ceremony was already over when he got here. I - I found this book that talked about turning the already-dead. It could be done. So we did it. But first, Will told us you were in fireland somewhere, so she and Tara went and got you out of that. Actually, we got caught gravedigging too."

"Caught? There's never anyone in the graveyards at night but the vampires." Buffy exclaimed.

"Yeah, well there was tonight. And he's... he's dead now. He went phyco, shot me and Xander." Spike didn't like having to say this to the one person he loved more than anyone else. He didn't exactally fancy the idea of telling her he'd commited a murder. "I kinda... I smashed his head with a shovel. It really was the only way... And Will healed Xander. So, we turned you, and Will gave back your soul. That's about it. She was supposed to have one for me - but I guess she didn't feel like it."

Buffy almost looked sypathetic, and it scared Spike.

"You guys went to all that trouble for me?" She asked, almost crying. Happy crying. It wasn't sypathy - it was happiness. 

Spike shrugged, "I guess so."

Buffy walked over to where Spike was standing and leaned agasit the wall right next to him. "Thank you."

"No problem, luv."

"No, I mean it. A lot. Thank you." She insisted.

"Like I said, no problem. It's not like being a fucking vampire was exactally something you wanted." He added, sarcastically.

"No." She put simply. "But I did want to be back. With you."

Spike actually shot away from her for a second, and let out a big "Huh?"

Buffy let out a little laugh. "I did a little thinking. You know, as I was burning in this hellish place Tara took me out of. I was there for a few straight days - even with the pain, I still got thoughts out. I figured out I was wrong, you _can_ love without a soul."

"Oh?" Spike wanted to hear what else she had to say.

"And I also figured out that you defiently didn't deserve to be the treated the way we - I, treated you." Buffy didn't really need to say anything more.

Instead, she just leaned over and kissed him deeply and passionately.

Rather than kissing back, what he despretly wanted to do, Spike just pulled away from her. "Stop playing with my head like that, dammit!"

Buffy looked embarressed. "I'm not playing, Spike..."

Spike wasn't really sure if he should believe her or not. It didn't seem like her kind of humor. Still, being dead for a few days sure can change a person.

He decieded not to bother with that, becuase she was standing there. Serious. (Hopefully) 

This time, it was Spike to lean over towards Buffy and kiss her. He put his hand on her left arm, and could felt it, on her lips and her arm, that she was serious.

They stood there like that, for a few minutes, when Buffy pushed Spike over onto the bed and started to unbuckle his belt.

Just as she did, Spike jumped back up and stood against the wall for a second before saying anything. "Promise me something, alright? If at the same tommorow, you still wanna do this, I will. But it's a lot better for the both of us if you're not regreting it like hell in in a few hours, ok? Just promise me you'll think it over before you fuck anything up."

Buffy was really surprised by that. A lot. "Spike, I think I know what-"

"Look, not an option, ok? I'm going downstairs. Goodnight, luv." Spike couldn't believe it himself. He was passing up some free sex. But he knew he was doing something right. He hadn't been able to say that in a while. And downstairs he went.

Buffy sat there on the place where she'd sleep. She felt like she should have been embaressed, but wasn't. She just laid back and went to sleep, since there was nothing to think over. She loved Spike.


	7. Inside I (Buffy)

Inside: Part I (Buffy) _Desecration_

_~~~~_

_He was right. I do need to think._

_I need to think a lot. But when I think, I'm not thinking about all the reason why I should get away from Spike as fast as I can. I'm not thinking about how he told me he smashed in someone's head in just a few hours ago and I almost ignored it. I'm not even thinking about Dawn._

_I'm thinking about Angel._

_I'm thinking - Well, thinking only gets you into trouble. Maybe things would be better if I lived more on the edge. I mean, had me and Spike done it last night - there'd be nothing to think about now. It'd just kinda be like "Whoa." Kinda like, things would be simplair._

_I don't know - maybe Faith was right. It's the fear, sex, and excitement that's gets me into bed with vampires. Well, obviously it's the sex. But the fear part scares me._

_Of corse fear should scare me. That's what it is; what it does; what gives it a purpose._

_Maybe she's right all the same. She was a sucky lier, a whore, and a bitch... but she was right a lot. I'll give her that much. But I hope with my life that she's wrong. I actually prey that she's wrong. It's never been fear. How can a person be attracted to fear? I guess they can be, but I don't think I am._

_I've always been a good girl, and I plan on staying that way forever. But still, I keep having flashes._

_I keep seeing Angel's face. I keep seeing his eyes. I keep hearing his voice. I keep falling in love with him... over and over and over again until it hurts. Right down in my gut._

_Then I see Spike's face. Then his eyes. I hear his voice. Instead of falling in love, I keep falling backwards and he keeps catching me. Then I push Xander, Willow, Giles and everyone else over and he catches them too. Most of all I push Spike back, and he always catchs himself._

_But Angel won't catch me. He's not the type who's around for long. He has a life in L.A._

_A life without me. _

_And I have a life here, in Sunnydale._

_A life without Angel._

_I love Angel, and I know he loves me too. But is it possible for two lovers to have no way or chance of having anything... ever?_

_I used to think love conquered all. But I was wrong. Love hides in the corner and cowers becuase it wants to be safe. Instead it gets killed._

_Every fucking time._

_Is is possible I love Spike?_

_Yes, it is. I've hated him for so long. I hated him becuase it was so easy to do. So plain and simple. Soulless = bad. But I don't think getting involved with Spike wouild be bad._

_But why do I love Spike? I think I know exactally..._

_Faith was right. It's the fear._

_Not the fear that she said. Not at all. Like I already figured, I don't fall for fear. But it's still fear. Actually, it's the lack of fear._

_It's sitting here, knowing that Spike can hurt me, he kill me, he can leave me dead in a ditch..._

_But won't. Won't becuase he loves me. Not matter what I say or do to him, He'd never do all the things he can. Sure, he has a chip. That doesn't mean he can't hurt me, just that it'll bite back a little. The chip, really, isn't anything more than a door between two people. You have to open the door, but then you can kill the person on the other side all you want._

_Riley was so easy to love. He couldn't hurt me. He could try everything he wanted but I would win. Since I knew he can't hurt me, how could I trust anything he says? I couldn't. Riley could have wanted to kill me, and I wouldn't have known. _

_Still, he was so easy to love. The same way a puppy is easy to love. It's the inncence, the tucking the tail between his legs thing, the willingness to submit to authority, and the falt-out harmlessness of him._

_But one day the puppy becomes a dog. Riley was off screwing - or maybe just being bloodsucked by - some slutty vampire whores._

_Just like the puppy Riley became a dog._

_He's not even in the question anymore._

_I guess all that leave me with is Angel and Spike._

_Angel runs._

_He finds something he loves, and runs. He's so scared, but it's not his fault. He's been hurt more times than anyone else in the whole world. He spent 100 years without any hope in humanity. He spent 100 years taking the blame for other people._

_Is it fair to Spike to make him back-up guy?_

_It was me who made the first move. I'm the one who kissed Spike._

_I'm also the one who unbuckled his belt._

_He's the one the stopped it. He's the one that walked away from me and told me to think it over._

_That's when I come to, is he really back-up guy?_

_Maybe not. _

_Maybe I'm pretending so I don't feel like I'm betraying Angel._

_He walked away from sex with me. Spike was always the kind who I'd expect to knock me and and rape me. After all, I was kind of an obsession to him._

_But in reality, I know that's only what it looked like to me, and everyone else._

_It was actually devotion._

_He just kept throwing himself on the sword. For me, for Dawn, for me... _

_It's almost like he got off when he did it. It was some sort of addiction. The whole myder deal. When you've killed for so long maybe it's a nice change to die._

_But Spike didn't kill. Spike was Spike._

_The thing that killed was the vampire. I'm a vampire now too. But I have a soul._

_Spike doesn't._

_What is a soul anyway? Honestly, what is it?_

_People with souls aren't always good. _

_My science teacher from 9th grade has a soul._

_Bill Clinton has a soul._

_For Christ's sake, Timithy McVeigh has a soul!_

_If people with souls can be bad... Doesn't it make sense the people without souls can be good?_

_?_

_Right...?_

_Spike doesn't have a soul. But, Spike, pretty much... is good. Mostly. To me._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_How come I'm thinking about my sex life?_

_Shouldn't I be thinking about Dawn? About Willow? About Giles? Xander? Anya? Tara? _

_Angel...?_

_Cody? Gunn? Wesley?_

_Dawn. I need to think about Dawn. I hardy even mentioned her._

_I hardly mentioned anything._

_Maybe I should even be thinking aoubt Ben and Glory._

_Whatever happened to them anyway?_


	8. Inside II (Spike)

Inside: Part II (Spike) _Desecration_

_~~~~_

_What in the bloody hell is wrong with me?_

_Something must be._

_Sex with the slayer. Not roboslayer, not possessed slayer. Not the slayer I dream about. But the slayer._

_Sounds great, huh?_

_Yeah, well, it's now on my list of things I could have done but didn't.Why?_

_She actually made the first move._

_And I could feel it, on her, and in her, that she was dead serious about wanting to do it._

_So I told her to think it over. She's hated me forever. So many times I was sure she was going to stake me._

_She's too sweet. She's just too sweet. For killing, for me, for the whole slaying package. But it got dropped on her doorstep and she couldn't make it go away. She's way too sweet for the job. She was even too sweet to turn down the job of protecter of the weak._

_And I came with it. I was the bad demon for killing._

_Then one day I got a chip in my head and couldn't hurt her anymore. I couldn't crush her so I was no longer for killing._

_The worse part is, I couldn't crush her anyway. It's not actually that I couldn't, but that I wouldn't. I teased, I showed my fangs. I retracted my claws. But I never bit. I never went in for the kill._

_And I know I could have so many times. I wouldn't before I even knew I had fallen for her._

_But Dru knew. Dru always knew. _

_The bitch. She told me so many lies. Not that I never lied. She just told me so many things. So many things about death, about blood, about the slayer. She told me about herself. What hurt the most was when she told me about myself._

_Told me I was a killer. Born to slash and bash and bleed like beautiful poetry._

_Only it was never beautiful. It was never poetry._

_It was fucking ugly. It took Dru's leaving, it took the chip, for me to see that. But the worse thing in the world is still loving Dru, and not being able to stop. I don't love her like I love Buffy._

_I love her like most people love their dogs. _

_She's beneth me. Ouch, harsh words. I would know._

_True all the same._

_When a dog bites someone, kills or hurts someone, you have to put it down becuase you love it._

_I want to put Dru down. I want to make her bleed, want to make her pay, for lying so bloody much about who I am. I want to do it becuase I love her so much._

_I want to do it becuase I hate her so much. But is there really a diffence?_

_I don't know._

_I guess my point is now I've lost Buffy forever. She's going to think, and figure out what a jackass she was to think I deserved anything. Let alone her._

_I could have had a night with her. There could have been once. I could have remembered it forever._

_But I could aso eat shit and die, but I think I'll pass._

_I can't. I know I did sometihng right... but why do I care? A year ago it would have been great yippie-yahoo type fun. Now it's not for fun. That's not what it's about anymore._

_It's about Buffy. It's all about her. Only... is it?_

_How come I killed little Felix? I killed him becuase he hurt Xander._

_Xander is Buffy's friend. So, for Buffy's sake, I protected Xander. That's what I'd like to tell myself. That's how it was with Dru. Everything was about her, about the things she loved, and about killing the things she said._

_Truth is, Xander is my friend. I know I'm not exactally on his list of buddies. He's never been the best of friends to me, what with the "You know I hate you" commets being all so common. But for some reason, everything isn't about Buffy. Most things are. But when it's not, it's about the rest of them. _

_Willow didn't give me my soul back. I didn't get mad. I know she's right. I don't need a soul. It's scary, that I care. I know I shouldn't. Since Dru made me a vampire, I've been a vampire. I've been evil._

_I never liked who I was before I was turned. I don't think I was someone Buffy could love. Apparently, I am now. Becuase I'm not who I used to be - when I was human or when I was evil. I'm still a vampire, but I'm not the evil I should be._

_I'm not killing like I should be. I have a chip. I can't hurt an..._

_Holy Fuck. It didn't hurt when I killed Felix. I didn't get anything back. There was no pain._

_Nothing. No one else noticed it. I didn't notice it._

_But Felix was human. Felix was all human. I can still smell a human. I haven't lost that._

_I killed a human last night and nothing happened to me._


End file.
